6 Things Never to Say to a Pregnant Woman

1) “Were you trying to get pregnant/Did you plan for this?”

I don’t know exactly what portion of society deems it okay to ask these kinds of questions, but they translate to “Do you have sex regularly? Are you using birth control? Do you have a basic understand of the human reproductive system?” All of which are entirely unacceptable. Obviously.

2)  “Can I touch your belly?”

Do you want your hand bitten off? Have you lost your mind? Does the phrase “personal space” have any meaning to you at all? Hell no, you may not rub my belly.

3) “Are you sure there’s just one baby in there?”

Positive, ass wipe

4) “Wow! You still have a ways to go!”

You want to tell that to the foot jammed in my ribcage, and my inability to sit/stand/lay down comfortably? Or the fact I have been dealing with this for 33 weeks? I mean, thanks for not blurting out that I’m as big as the broad side of a barn, but I really don’t need to be reminded that I’m not at the finish line quite yet. I’m very much aware of just how many days I have until my due date. Thanks.

5) “You are going for a natural birth, RIGHT?”

I don’t remember asking for your opinion, but, okay. I will make every effort to make sure to do what you think was right for you, during my birth.

6)ow! You sure were hungry!

TRANSLATION: You just ate enough food to feed the entire U.S. Army, you fat pig.

A note to all food servers: Saying this to anyone—especially to a pregnant woman—is the best way to ensure that you get a lousy tip. I actually had two waitresses tell me this when I was only weeks away from my due date. How on earth could they think this was OK? Please bear in mind that a pregnant woman is always hungry. And that’s a good thing, because expectant moms are generally supposed to consume an extra 300 calories per day for each baby she is carrying—even more than that if she is very active, like me. So I will pig out with pride!